Wanna get some fries?

A while ago I saw a post on Dooce giving would-be bloggers topics to write about. These topics would supposedly help you avoid having a terribly boring blog. Since my life has been less-than-exiting lately, I thought I would give one of them a whirl.

The worst date I ever had

In my case, it's just too difficult to pick just one from a list of top-rate contenders. I'll just describe a few. Most of them happened in college, back when some of my decisions were made by Jim Beam. The names have been hidden to protect those involved. And also because I can't remember some of the names...

My Mercifully Short Bad Date
I went to a "mystery date" party hosted by my sorority in college. My mystery date turned out to be someone I had never met on campus. He was fairly nice and rumor had it that he was a trust fund kid. He and I didn't hate each other, but there were no real sparks. Anyway, about 1 hour into the party he said he wanted some french fries. He asked me if I wanted to walk to Wendy's. Well, it was about 11:30 at night and Wendy's was about a mile away. This was in a big urban area and it would not have been a really safe walk. So, I declined. I guess I expected him to stay--this was the chivalrous South after all. But the french fry yen won out. He left and I never saw him again.

My Hannibal Lecter Bad Date
I cannot resist the temptation to reveal his name, only because it should have been a red flag. His name was Jonas, a fact made worse by the mid-'90's popularity of the Weezer song "My Name is Jonas." He picked me up at the house and my housemother could barely surpress her giggles. Red flag two. This was not a blind date, mind you. I can only plead temporary insanity. After a dinner spent silently praying that no one I knew would see me, we left to visit an Irish pub. While he was in the bathroom, the bartender leaned over to me and said, "You can do better than that. Do you want me to call you a cab?" Red flag three! Finally, on the way home Jonas suggested that we go to his room to see his collection of animal skulls. Oh My God, red flag! He pointed out that I was gripping the door handle so hard that my knuckles were white. His parting words were, "You look scared...does this mean I can't kiss you?" Uh, yeah.

My Officer Friendly Bad Date
I went out once with a NY State Trooper. The date wasn't too bad, but not great. We were just not suited for one another at all. For example, he was about 15 years older than me with three kids. He spent the majority of the evening discussing his ex and how she did not deserve everything he had done for her. Charming... At the end of the date, we ended up in a park which had been closed for hours. I would have objected sooner, but I thought we had been heading back to my place. I said that I didn't think it was such a good idea, that maybe it wasn't safe. He reaches over to the glove compartment and opens it. "Oh, it's okay," he says. "I have my gun. It's always loaded."

My Anxiety-Ridden Mess of a Bad Date
One of my ex-boyfriend's friends asked me out to see a play and get dinner. I was really happy to be going on a more grown-up date since my ex's taste ran more to wings and beer. He approved of the date, even encouraged it, which surprised me. Maybe it shouldn't have. S. was a reasonably cool guy who rode a motorcycle and got good grades. From the moment the play started, I knew I was in for a long night. Everyone in the play was naked through the entire production. It was kinda boring after a while, but my date was so red I could feel the heat coming off him. He apologized for bringing me to such smut and we went to dinner. I ordered something and he ordered an entree to go. I looked at him quizzically and he said that he could not eat in front of other people, that he even took medication for his issue. But I was to take my time and not rush on his account. Check, please!

My Shallow-End-of-the-Gene-Pool Bad Date
During this horror of an expensive Italian dinner, my date confessed that his family had some issues. I thought alcoholism, major illness, bankruptcy. He said his mother hadn't left the house in over 12 years, mainly because of paranoia and then extreme overweight. Then he mentioned that his brother never wore short sleeves or shorts because he was afraid to reveal any skin. Sometimes he wore a hat and a bandanna as well so that only a sliver of his face was visible. He frequently played basketball dressed that way. Then he discussed how his father had been seeing a shrink for years, but no real diagnosis. I was done before the entree came.